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Inspiration to some, therapy to me
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I’m a very positive person and can turn pretty much anything into a positive or a joke. I’m brilliant at laughing at myself but some days you just break! There are some days where the constant battle to find the positive and make light of things become too much and you just can’t physically do it yet another day.
For me yesterday was a perfect example of this. I’m on day 9 of being in the wheelchair all day or in and out like a flipping yo-yo. Day 8 I broke! I go to bed every night telling myself tomorrow will be a better day because if I don’t my mind goes to dark places and it’s taken me a long time to claw my way out of that dark pit.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling positive, like it was going to be a good day. I stood up only to collapse in a heap on the floor. Crawling wasn’t even an option, that’s when I know it’s bad. I spent the entire day crying and feeling sorry for myself, watching Greys Anatomy and not moving from the sofa, I wanted to move but I just physically couldn’t. My lunch was some chocolate that was left next to the sofa from the day before and I had one glass of water to last me the whole day. This is not living, this is just merely existing.
I have a tendency to push things back, hide them deep inside because I don’t want to feel so low and horrible every time I go through a bad phase because that in itself is tiring and means I take longer to get through the rough patch. The problem arises when you fight the feelings day in and day out all while getting worse and eventually the damn breaks and ALL the thoughts and feelings you’ve been pushing back come flooding out and once it starts there is no stopping it, well not for me anyway.
When hubby came home I told him what I was thinking, that I hate living like this, that it’s not fair and that it’s cruel to feel good for a while thinking that life is moving forward for it all to just be taken away again, that I don’t know if I have the strength to keep fighting the same battle over and over again, that it is driving me insane just sitting on the sofa day in and day out, not accomplishing a single thing with my life, that I hate feeling like a burden and feel guilty that he has to everything (except the dishes, he doesn’t do dishes), that every time I think I can be more of a mum or wife again it’s taken away, that I feel like I must have done something wrong to keep getting punished like this!
The hubby doesn’t do emotions (he tries, but he’s awful) but he sat and hugged me for ages and just let me cry it all out. I went to bed and told myself tomorrow will be a better day! So far this is true.
I know things will get better again because they always do but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to fight your arse off to there and experience all this again. It’s ok to feel sad, to be angry but you’ve got to believe it will eventually get better. I know I’ll never be cured but I do believe one day my better days will outweigh my bad ones.
Katie Rose xxx