I have been on the deepest healing journey of my life for the past few years. I have come to realise so much about myself that I had no idea was going on. It was truly eye-opening! It blows my mind to think of the woman I use to be.

I could not see a future for myself that didn’t involve a chronic illness, there was even a time when I couldn’t even picture a future for myself as I had lost all hope and wanted to completely give up on life. It was just so hard to keep going.

It was in my darkest hour and my darkest thoughts that I heard so clearly “you are destined for so much more” and I felt it, I knew it to be true. That was my turning point. That’s when I really started looking for alternative options to claim some of my life back.

I wish I could say it all magically turned around there and then, it didn’t! I honestly lost count of how many times I fell down, mentally, emotionally, and so many times physically.

My journey taught me that what I believed to be the emotional trauma that started the symptoms of a chronic illness was not as clear-cut as allowed myself to believe. I believed it to be the divorce of my parents, when they were getting a divorce, then weren’t, then were and all the emotional baggage that came about during this process that I was not equipped to deal with between the ages of 15-18.

I internalised EVERYTHING! I had no idea how to express my feelings, how to talk about the anger that was being held inside myself.

Recently, I realised yes that was a major factor, however, it was not the only factor. I recently discovered my anxiety for driving came from one very brief moment that filtered into many other areas. That one moment led to a feeling of abandonment, which caused my body to produce more symptoms as a way to “keep hold” of my mum, which then led to no longer running for Wales.

It really is never as simple as it first seems. Today, I realised that the hurt and anger I held towards some people in my life was there long before I first realised, I convinced myself it was due to one event, however, it was, it was just an excuse to fuel the fire already lit within me. The fire of hurt and anger came from not feeling heard, feeling constantly judged and if we did anything wrong in their eyes, you better believe they’d tell you how wrong you are!

However, I know now that this is not his fault, this is due to his programming, his conditioning, the way he was brought up and taught, not to mention everything he experienced while he was in the Army. That’s the thing see, it is never about us! What we receive from someone else is never about us, it is always about them and the current perspective they are working from, however, we accidentally take these things on as ourselves, identifying with things that are 100% NOT TRUE!

If you’d like to know more about me, you can find my story here…