Giving myself a stern talking to!
THIS WEEK I HAD TO SIT MYSELF DOWN AND HAVE A STERN WORD WITH MY MIND!
As crazy as this may sound I feel like I have 2 minds - I have the perky, I can do anything mind and then there is the down in the dumps, you're shit at everything mind!
Mind number 2 has been ruling my life for way too long lately and mind number 1 has had enough and is ready to take back control.
I've sat down and thought about what makes me happy? what do I need to do more of? what do I need to avoid? how can I work towards my goals without causing too bad a flare?
There were many more questions going on and I answered quite a few when I focused my mind on what it was I wanted to achieve.
Do I give up my business?
I love my businesses and I know I don't want to give any up but both keep me confined to the house with rarely any outings that don't involve school runs or my mum's house.
How can I get out more? What can I do?
The answer...something for me, a hobby but as a chronic illness suffer there is no hobby I can do outside without a flare up - or so I thought!
What will get me out of the house?
I sat for ages trying to figure out what I can do and came up with sweet bugger all! It wasn't until I went out Christmas shopping with my mummy that things started to pop into my mind. This shopping day I had to be in the wheelchair and I felt like I had an epiphany - not that I could explain it, other than a feeling of release, acceptance and just this knowing that I was ok. Quite powerful shit really!
This was the first time I ever felt comfortable and relaxed in the wheelchair. It would normally cause such anxiety, guilt and worsen my symptoms but it just felt the complete opposite this day.
When I got home I knew I'd been stopping myself from leaving the house from pure fear that I had created myself. I tell myself I can't do things or go places because I'll have to go in the wheelchair and I'll be worse for it but it's all bullshit!
I GOT IT...
I've decided that I will write a list of places I've been wanting to go that I've been telling myself I can't for whatever reason mind number 2 came up with. I will start with simple and local things and rope family in for the company to start with and then I hope to progress to venturing out on my own. I know things take time and I'm willing to be patient and learn what my abilities are etc. as always there will be setbacks along the way but I've been dealing with setbacks for the past 12 years so I've got a pretty good handle on dealing with that.
I just want to get out in the fresh air more, take pictures and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.
I plan to keep my focus by blogging my outings, my feeling and potentially my flare-ups. I'm letting go of the fear of Walter (the wheelchair) and embracing all that I am, disabilities and all! Only taken 4 years to accept him.
Next step
I have a list of places or things I want to do so next I need to plan when I will do them and designate a family member to come on the journeys with me. I'm thinking a full-on planner will be needed so I can visualise it before I go. I'll probably work on one venture a month to start with and see how it goes from there.